I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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