WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I need a burrito and a hug.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
