Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
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