The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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