When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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