So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
