So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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