did you get engaged???
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
