New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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