I think I died a long time ago.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I supernannyed him into submission
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
