Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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