I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
