You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
