i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
