They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
