yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
