Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
