He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
