weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
