Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
