it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
