I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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