96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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