I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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