from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
