Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I can't turn off my feet"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
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