fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
