i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I supernannyed him into submission
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
