Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
