my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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