grandma shit on top of the toilet
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
