I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
