yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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