dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
May the power of my ass compel you!!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
