Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
