ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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