All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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