i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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