I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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