So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
