I think im going to throw up on grandma
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
