That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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