I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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