I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
