i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
