we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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