Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
