well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
