Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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