gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
