3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
