I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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