I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
