i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
