True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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