I'm going to jail i love you
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
