she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
